Posts Tagged ‘reconciliation. Matthew 18:15-17’

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29

“He steals my joy.”

A friend told me about someone close to her who has become a bit of a naysayer. Apparently my friend’s  ideas are not clever, her jokes are not funny, her encouragement is interpreted as discouragement, and her grace is seen as patronizing. She  walks on eggshells for fear of saying something he will think is just stupid, and of course, he’ll tell her it’s stupid.

She came to me looking for advice about how to respond. It isn’t every day. It isn’t even regular enough that she feels it is hateful , just difficult.

I remember in my college psychology classes learning that intermittent reinforcement is the strongest kind of reinforcement. This means it is harder that the responses aren’t consistent. Some days she is perfectly safe to speak her mind, she’ll get no repercussions. Other days her naysayer explodes with statements to discourage or belittle her. It is safest to say very little or nothing.

What is the Christian response? The hardest part is not responding in sin. I suggested patience, “Perhaps this isn’t the right time to talk to you about this, I’ll come back later.” This ignores the words that were painful and leaves the insult unaddressed. We talked about responding to criticism with, “Thank you for telling me that’s what you think. I’ll pray about it and see what God thinks.” We even talked about not initiating conversations, as impractical as that may be.

Life and people are not always easy. As a wife, a friend, an employee, or a parent, sometimes we run into people that are angry or frustrated and we take the brunt of it. The Bible gives us some instructions:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.  Romans 12:18

In order to live in peace with offending parties we have to make it clear that we are not at peace with rude treatment. To live at peace may mean we have to speak the truth in love so they will see the way their remarks make us feel. If we need to separate we need to have a goal to reconcile once the problem is resolved.

Matthew 18:15 – 17 gives instructions on how to confront that person who is sinning against us. Our more likely response is to return the anger and insults but God’s way is the better way to healing and reconciliation.

If we meet people who steal our joy we may need to back off from them. Proverbs 22:3 says, “The prudent man sees danger and takes refuge.” Proverbs 11:9 says, “With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.” They will probably not change without God coming in to change their hearts. The time to seek refuge is early, before they are an established presence in our lives.

If it is someone that is a part of your life for the long haul, speak up. Joy robbers don’t change if they are left in their sin.

And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10b