5 Steps for Wives Battling Pornography

 

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

 

At a wedding where my Pastor was officiating he said something like this: “Pornography moves a man from being a protector to being a predator.”

Having recently been told (by the mother) that a father had molested his own daughter after years of pornography “use,” the words rang true to me.

Another young woman had approached me earlier and said, “I need a battle plan.” She explained that she is “fighting the demon called pornography” in her marriage.

The request for a “battle plan” spurred me to learn about a problem I knew little about.  I now understand that pornography is part of the “spiritual darkness” and the “spiritual forces of evil,” that Ephesians 6:12 (top) mentions.

Sadly, no woman is capable of turning her husband from this evil by herself. She can and must take a stance against it. She can and must insist on consequences if there is no change.

There are several steps the wife of the pornography addict needs to take.

1. Gain Understanding: It is an addiction.

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established. Proverbs 24:3

Several good books have been written that provide insight into the addiction and what a wife’s response should be. Understanding and wisdom will help a wife stay and execute the battle plan.[i]

2. Shine a Light on the problem:

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. Ephesians 5:11

Pornography is a sin that largely happens, and is kept, in the dark. Men and women are too ashamed of it to bring it into the light. Into the light, it must come. This is not talking about a public proclamation on Facebook or Twitter. This is going to someone who can help; a counselor, a parent, or a pastor. Once it is in the light an addict will still need help to break free. This is hard, but if no one knows about the addiction of pornography, there is little motivation to change.

3. Pray: even when it looks impossible.

But he said, “What is impossible with men is possible with God.” Luke 18:27

The understanding and acknowledgement that only God can heal a man caught in addiction will keep you from the guilt of, “I am not enough” thinking.  Pornography addictions have nothing to do with a wife not being  “enough.”  I am one who believes pornography use is an act of adultery. Pray for God’s guidance about how to proceed if your husband refuses to get help.

4. Nurture what’s good in your marriage

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 1 Peter 3:1-2

Though a porn addiction is a big problem, it is not all of the marriage. If the husband is seeking help, in any way possible, respect him, speak the truth in love to him, be kind and generous in every Godly thing. God has instituted marriage and will use it to grow our faith and understanding of who He is. This will be a big test of your commitment (and his) to  your marriage.

5. He is able.

For because He himself has suffered when tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted. Hebrews 2:18 (Also, Hebrews 7:25)

We need to make sure our focus is not on our own plan and focus on the battle plan that has the Lord as General and King. He still forgives repentant sinners.

Things may not end as our “happily ever after” dreams desire. This form of adultery is an egregious sin against God and His plan for marriage.

If you or someone you know is struggling with a pornography addiction at home – will you, with God’s help, create a battle plan, or help someone else to do so? By God’s power a protector can overcome the addiction that might make him a predator.

(If you have suggestions regarding good Christian resources for families in this situation, please post them in the comments.)

 

 

[i]   This is the one I have used and found helpful: When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, Healing Your Wounded Heart, Vicki Teade, New Growth Press