A Different Apology

 

 

And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12

 

Child A grabs the toy, making sure to snatch it hard enough to hurt the hand as well as the feelings.

Child B screams and runs to the nearest adult (hopefully their Mom).

Mom, having witnessed the whole event corrects child A and forces him to give back the toy to child B, as she is instructing him to say he is sorry.

Child A – “I’m sorry.”

Child B walks away with the toy.

Event over.

Sitting with a table full of adults, scenarios like this came up. One of the women suggested that we should be teaching Child A to ask for forgiveness rather than just saying “I’m sorry.”  As the “aggressor,” “I’m sorry” leaves him in control of the situation. I mean, what mother doesn’t “make” her children forgive one another when there has been an apology?

She went on to explain that “Will you please forgive me?” is a more humble approach for the one who committed the wrong. It also gives a little control to the one wronged.

As the conversation continued the question was raised about how a child learns to forgive if it is always assumed they have forgiven because someone says, “I’m sorry.” Child B may victoriously walk away with the toy, but has he truly forgiven Child A?

I know that in my own home forgiveness was assumed. Sigh (yet another parenting failure). I am happy to report that both of my children have the ability to forgive (as far as I know).

One of the Christian characteristics that many children lack is humility. We have spent so much time giving them high fives and pats on the back for doing what is expected of them that they have become self-absorbed (as all children are). Would teaching them to ask for forgiveness rather than declaring their (often untruthful) remorse for their offense, create an opportunity to learn a little humility?

When we apply this to adult situations, which is what we are training our children to do, this is a bigger deal. Imagine with your husband, in your workplace, or in the community asking for forgiveness for something you know you did that hurt another person? It really does put the ball back in their court. It presents a more humble apology that acknowledges the pain we have caused.

In Hebrews 12 the writer reminds us that chastening from God is painful but it yields fruit and then commands us to strengthen the hands that hang down and the feeble knees, and to make straight paths for our feet so we will be healed. He then gives us this further instruction: “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord (Hebrews 12:14).” (NKJV).

The words, “I’m sorry” may eventually bring peace because we all know we must forgive the repentant sinner. However, I see the argument that, “Please forgive me,” humbly requests it in a way that allows for the hurt person to have say in the outcome. The aggressor feels less aggressive. It seems like peace may come sooner.

If there is anyone that you should be apologizing to, would you consider a different apology? How would it change the situation for you to ask for forgiveness rather than state your sorrow?