Can’t Go Around It – Guess I Gotta Go Through It

  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

 

“I don’t know what she’s so upset about, she’s a Christian, she knows she’ll see her again in heaven.”

I can still hear those words from a funeral I attended a few years ago. They sounded so cruel to me, a friend had lost someone she dearly loved and was grieving over the loss. Another Christian thought her grief showed a lack of faith.

The death was unexpected though there was illness, in some respects it was probably a relief to the family. The reality, though, was that her loved one was gone from this life, from everyday life.

Now, it’s my turn. Grief has come, it is real. The circumstances are different than those surrounding the funeral of several years ago. My sister’s death was expected. She had been ill for over eighteen months. Treatments weren’t helping, her pain was difficult to control, and she required more help than she was comfortable needing. I am glad all of that is over. But, she is gone. I miss her.

Sadly, I am afraid I have been judging myself on the same standard as the cruel lady at the funeral judged my friend. I keep wondering, “Why am I so grief stricken? I know I’ll see her again in heaven. She has no more pain, no more chemo, no more humiliation. Shouldn’t I be happy that she is with Jesus? She’s healed, able to sing and leap for joy! Where’s my faith?”

I am joyful – for her! I am joyful, even grateful, when I remember her words and what a witness for the love of Jesus Christ she was as she went through a terrible set of circumstances. I am grateful for the display of love that our hometown poured out on her. I am grateful for the influence she had over thirty years of teaching young children. There is plenty of joy – but it is mixed with grief.

My grief feels selfish, though I do not seem to have much control over it. This was my sister and my friend. She loved me in ways no one else did. She was kind and generous. If I didn’t call her she wasn’t upset – she called me. When she was done talking, she wanted to hear what was happening in my life. (She was the older twin – she always got to go first!). She is gone from this life. I miss her now though I know I will see her later.

God allows for grief, in fact He gives it to us so we can cope with loss. Sometimes it feels like I am not coping. I, like others who lose someone dear to them, will cope better by going through the grief rather than avoiding it. The world, I remember from my days of working in hospice care, gives us three weeks to mourn. Then we are to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with life. At three weeks I was still in denial that she was gone. That’s over and I am dealing with the truth of the situation.

In Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians he was trying to comfort some who were mourning the deaths of their relatives.  He was trying to dissuade them from excessive grief, but not any grief at all. In 1 Thessalonians 4:13 he says, “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” He was assuring them that, as Christians, we have a greater hope for life after this one. If we mourn as if we have no hope we send the wrong message to others. But, he does not say that we should not be sad for ourselves, for our own loss.

In His grace a few days ago God put me at the same event as a friend who has known my family for many years. She asked how I was doing, she had been at my sister’s funeral, she had seen my whole family interacting. She expressed her sorrow for my loss but followed it up by saying, “I know she died young, but I am so jealous of the relationship you have with your siblings. I don’t have that.” She proceeded to describe some of the unfortunate and difficult issues she faces day in and day out with her siblings.

In that conversation God reminded me of what I do have and what I had. I had been concentrating on what I had lost but this woman’s words reminded me of what was given to me in such a devoted sister! I am still sad at times but I had my focus redirected to think on those things that were pure, lovely, excellent, and commendable about our relationship. I have years of memories and hope for countless more in the future.

Has God been trying to redirect your attention to things that are pure, lovely, and praise worthy? Follow His lead. He is good – all the time.