Deal With it Now

When I got married the only advice my mother gave was this: “Don’t start doing anything now that you don’t want to be doing ten years from now.” This was wise advice.  I applied it in some small ways having to do with laundry initially but over the years it has given me the strength to say no to other things that I thought didn’t seem quite right. My husband and I have learned that we have the best results when we do what we agree on and not what one has decreed to the other.  This is not to say we haven’t disagreed over things or that we haven’t made compromises for each other throughout our marriage.  

I have watched many marriages and talked to many women who have been unwilling to make their feelings known about a problem in their marriage.  A misunderstanding of biblical submission is blamed on men but I also think that some women don’t speak up because they don’t think they should or that it would displease God if they did. We have totally lost the concept that we are our husband’s helpmates. Sometimes that may mean we need to tell him that something is not wise (in fact it’s sinful), or that he’s being too soft or too harsh, and maybe that he’s wasting time or taking a lazy route when another would be better.

My current concern over this is being raised because of the issue of the current generation of young men and their obsession with video games. It seems like a minor issue but going into marriage with a man who spends the majority of his at home time with a game controller in his hand is setting a marriage up for failure.

In Genesis 2:24 God gave his first instructions about marriage. He said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”  “Holding fast” to one’s wife does not mean that he may never hold onto a game controller but it does mean that it cannot be the object of his greatest pleasures when he’s with his wife. She needs to be a priority in his life.

I think that it’s very telling that when God was giving other instructions in the Book of Deuteronomy He said this: “When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” (Deuteronomy 24:5) God wanted a new husband and wife to have a year of togetherness so that they could be happy.  It’s a critical time to get to know each other before the kids come along.

Women today who marry men with gaming addictions are alone in their own homes. How happy would that make any woman? What does this say about the priority of his wife or the marriage?  Do grown men really believe this is a good way to spend their time?

God gives further instruction to the married couple. He says that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ laid down his life for the church. He also says women are to respect their husbands.  How hard is it to respect a man who does little except sit and play games when he’s at home?

Ladies, speak up if this describes your situation. Often women hold these complaints early in their marriages to keep the peace. When we do that we will still be doing that ten years from now when everyone is trained  in the roles they have gotten set in or there’s a divorce in the making.

The writer of Hebrews instructs us to let marriage be held in honor among all. If we honor God’s plan for marriage as the structure of the family and families as the structure of society then we must do all we can in our marriages to keep it honorable. A husband and father who sits in front of video games without regard for his wife’s feelings or the work required for a family is not loving his wife or honoring his marriage.

For either half of a couple this may be true with many things that keep us distracted from our spouses. Anything that has a higher priority than they do may be the source of some real future trouble in a marriage.  Women are as capable of this as men. We may need to get the log out of our own eyes before we approach our husbands about this.

So, listen to my Mom’s advice and if there is something that NEEDS to be said in your marriage – say it before you find yourself saying it to anyone else who will listen – which just for the record is disrespectful to your husband.   Others can’t solve the problem. If you don’t talk to your husband/fiancé/boyfriend about this problem you’ll still be dealing with it ten years from now – if you’re still together.