If Only I’d Known

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  Ephesians 5:33

 

“If only I had known these things before we were married I would never have gone through with the wedding.”  “How did I get here?” “He made so many promises he refuses to keep.”

I have heard women who are in difficult marriages say these things too many times. They are experiencing emotional pain and seeing a side of  their husbands they deny knowing was there before the wedding. It grieves me to hear such talk about their husbands though I believe they are truly miserable in their marriages.

In my grief for them I have tried to understand how single women might learn from the mistakes of others without revealing the women or telling their stories. So here is a list of things I  have learned that I think might help the single woman in a dating relationship – or considering one. These observations are not helpful if you are already married but I hope they will be helpful to the young woman contemplating dating or marriage.

Disclaimer: Although I am talking about men in the remainder of this article, there are young women who have the same selfish tendencies and lack of qualities who will not make good wives.

In no particular order, here’s my list.

1. If your parents or friends have serious reservations about the man you are dating (or engaged to), take heed. They have your best interest at heart and may see things your infatuated eyes are to blind to see.

2. If a man is self-absorbed, if he shows no concern for you, your time, your money, your feelings, or your family while you are dating, he will not suddenly become selfless and considerate after the wedding vows.

3. If a man loves video games, does not love work, and is perfectly content for you to make money and pay his way, RUN FROM HIM! He is not likely to be a good provider once you have a family. You will be doing it all. (Disclaimer #2: I have no problem with video games in general, lots of men have fun with them and even enjoy time with their kids playing them. It is only a problem if it is an addiction).

4. If he hits you before you get married he will hit you after you are married. This holds true regardless of how sorry he is and how sincere his promise never to do it again seems. If (and this is a huge “if”) he sees it as his problem that requires true heart change there’s a chance he’ll reform with the help of the Holy Spirit. If he blames your behavior for making him do it, RUN FROM HIM!.

5. The way a man treats his mother is an good indicator of how he will eventually treat his wife.

6. A man who attends church with you on Sunday but shows no fruit from Monday to Saturday is not a Christian.

7. Just because a man is in church leadership does not mean you cut him any slack on the home front. If he is verbally or physically abusive when you are dating, the church may have made a mistake putting him in a leadership position. You need not mimic their mistake and marry him because he is publicly such a great guy.

8. If a man is stingy, not frugal but selfish in the way he handles his money, he is likely to remain so. A man who does not think of the married couple as “one” in finances as well as parentally and socially, but keeps separate accounts or wants both partners to pay their fair share according to income, etc. is one to be careful about. It is just not a good sign.

9. If a man is not a Christian, your love for him, your example, nor your preaching will save him. Salvation is God’s job. Unequally yoked is a decision you make. “Missionary dating” is not a biblical concept.

10. The perfect man, nor the perfect Christian marriage, are reality. Every one sins, everyone has flaws. It is better to recognize and consider the long-term consequences of a man’s flaws before you marry than to wait until after marriage to admit you see them.

11.  Your wedding is a day; your marriage is to last a lifetime.  By all means, plan a nice wedding and enjoy the day.  But, invest more premarital time preparing for the marriage than you do the wedding.  And don’t impoverish yourself or your family for the wedding day celebration.

12. The Bible commands wives to respect their husbands. If you do not have respect for him while you are dating, you will not suddenly find it when you are married. If you marry him and do not respect him, you will be in sin.