Is There a Better Way to Say It?

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Proverbs 17:27

 

“I am not paying three bucks for another bottle of shampoo.”

Statement of fact?  Criticism for a stupid request?  Report of our finances? Criticism of a bad shampoo? It all depends on how you said it.

I was exiting the grocery store as a mother and her two young daughters were entering. By size I would guess the girls were 6 and 8 at most.  This statement was coming from the mother’s mouth. It was informative but her tone of voice was disgusted. I didn’t hear anything come from either of the girls.

I do not know if the disgust was the mother’s own anger at herself for making such a bad purchase, for spending too much money, or if the disgust was with the daughter for (apparently) asking for her to do it again.

As I drove home I tried to imagine another way to communicate the same truth without the disgust.  The mother’s words, though they may have been conveying a message the daughter needed to hear, i.e., “We can’t afford to pay three dollars for a bottle of shampoo,” was delivered in such a way that it was painful for me, an outsider, to hear. I can only imagine the daughter felt hurt by the tone of the statement, as I would have if it had been directed at me.

I tried to put myself in the mother’s shoes. Things are financially tight if you can’t afford $3.00 for shampoo and she was going to grocery shop (where we are all feeling the higher prices). It was a hot day and she has two young daughters going into the grocery store, not the pool.

Driving home, many verses came rushing to my mind. Our tongues are capable of causing so much destruction, what’s in our heart comes out of our mouths, and then there is the one about being content in whatever circumstances God has placed us in.

I can remember walking into a mess and wanting to yell at my children when they were young. I would give instructions (o.k., a command) to clean something up. One day my daughter looked me right in the eye and calmly said, “I don’t know how.” She was about ten years old and I had not taught her to do what I was asking her to do. A few instructions and she was on her way. Peacefully, that time!

A young child can be taught about finances, shopping, and budgeting in a conversation about why she can’t have  a bottle of shampoo, or even something far more frivolous, but only if there is teaching involved. To a child, an angry statement just sounds angry.

In our cell phone world, we worry about our ring tones — special ones for the hubby, different one for the kids, etc. — but we like pleasant and not annoying tones.  So do our kids.  So do our spouses.  I wonder if I even heard the tone of voice I used when I spoke to my children as I was trying to teach and train them. This little grocery store encounter reminded me how important it is in communicating truth to a child.

Is there another way to say it so the child can hear the  message at the root of what we want to communicate? “Sting tones” probably don’t get it done.