Mom vs. The University
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever! Psalm 110:10
Some years ago a college student from church proudly described to me the outcome of his study of politeness; specifically, the effect of saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ It was positive.
An elderly gentleman had overheard the discussion and came up to me afterward, leaned in, and in a confidential tone said, “Well, my mother could have saved him a whole lot of trouble – she knew that a long time ago!” In today’s vernacular he might have said, “Duh!”
This morning’s newspaper (Reading Eagle, January 16, 2012) headline – “Unearned Compliments Don’t Help Students, Research Finds” – and its subheading – “New Educational Approach Says Urging Kids To Push Harder Better Develops Their Brains” – made me want to lean in and say to someone, “Duh!”
The article says that prevailing wisdom holds that “high self-esteem would lead to high achievement.” Apparently, prevailing wisdom assumes children are foolish or blind to their abilities. It also assumes that high self-esteem is granted from outside the self. An oxymoron.
Complimenting children when it’s not deserved does not lead to self-esteem, it leads to confusion. They question their own ability to discern good. Or they question the complimenter’s truthfulness or ability. Or both. Either way, it doesn’t help them mature.
One of the greatest gifts my mother gave her children was her willingness to say, “Everyone is good at something but this is not your something.” It stung a little but she never let me make a fool of myself, either. She did not shirk her duty to lead, to shepherd, and to teach.
What she taught is what the Bible teaches. Each person has been designed with certain gifts. The more certain we are of what those gifts are the more likely we are to be successful. When we try to perform things that we were not designed to do life will be frustrating – no matter how many times we’re told we’re doing it well.
Yes, children must be encouraged to try things they are unsure of in order to grasp what their gifts are along with the extent of those gifts. Our newspaper study continued, “Studies say that children praised for trying hard or taking risks tend to enjoy challenges and find greater success. They perform better in the long term when they believe that their intellect is not a birthright but something that grows and develops as they learn new things.” Goodness! Self-esteem is earned! Well, my mother could have saved these researchers a whole lot of trouble – she knew that a long time ago!
Interestingly, the study found that children who have been handed compliments in order to build their self-esteem are actually less likely to try new skills. They are so accustomed to the positive feedback that they don’t want to risk trying something they may not be good at and lose their shining star reputation. This sounds like pride to me and this kind of pride is not something the Bible says anything good about. In fact, kids who have a false sense of pride are being set up to fail later.
Not surprisingly, our Bible agrees.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. Proverbs 11:2
Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18
One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Proverbs 29:23
God calls pride evil (Mark 7:22), He says it will deceive us (Obadiah 1:3), and that He will humble the proud person (Daniel 4:37). Is that what we want to set our children up to receive from God?
Why not teach them to be content in all circumstances – including with the gifts God has given them? Why not teach them that those things that we are weak in make us lean on the Lord more and so we become stronger in faith though we may not get better at a particular skill or characteristic? Why not teach them that the One who deserves praise in this world is the Lord God Himself?
Children who have a false sense of who they are and what they are good at are living in a world of insecurity. True security comes from knowing Christ – not high self-esteem. Now, if we could just get the public schools not to just stop throwing out untruth but to allow teachers to speak about the Truth, that would cause a lot of insecure children to rise to the challenge and make a difference in the world!
May we do it, please?