Out of Control

 

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139:23-24

I am embarrassed to tell you how angry I got with my husband today. It was such a little thing and it got way to big in my eyes.

We have not had a dishwasher for at least 25 years. We have always enjoyed doing dinner dishes together. I wash, he dries. That’s the way it is almost every night. Because he dries, he puts things away. A few weeks ago we reversed the dish drainer from working left to right to right to left. At that time he turned the silverware around in the drawer to come at it better from the different angle. No problem, I get it.

This morning I went to find a serving spoon. There wasn’t one where they were supposed to be (we must have at least 10) so I just grabbed one from some clean dishes in the dish drainer. When we got home from church I went to make dinner and needed several. They weren’t there. I realized that there was new stuff – the stuff from the drawer on the opposite side of the sink- in their spot. He moved the serving pieces to be more convenient for him to put them away. I was mad. It made sense but I was mad anyway.

This was one of those times when I knew I was being ridiculous. What on earth was I so mad about? We’re talking about spoons here! I was able to keep almost silent but I was stewing.

After we ate I got alone and started to examine myself. What was the big deal? These things usually don’t affect me. I realized I’ve been thinking that a lot lately. Why is it that I am bothered by things that haven’t been a problem for me in the past? I started to preach to my heart.

The Lord reminded me of Psalm 139:23 that I had just heard preached on recently. My anger was grieving me because I knew it was grieving God. There was no deliberate wrong done to me. I certainly couldn’t call it righteous anger! It was petty and I knew it.

As I continued to think about this whole situation I realized that it was because no one had consulted me. I was out of control on this one – as in I was given no control. Why did I need any? Why do I ever need any? I guess the real question that got posed in my mind is “why I do always think I need to be in control?”

In recent months I have felt out of control. Many things have changed in my life that I was helpless to repair, change, or influence. That is a hard place for a person who likes order – her own order!

So, the most grievous thing about this whole lesson is that I know in my heart that God is in control. I am not convinced that He cares which drawer my serving pieces are in but I know He can use even such a trivial thing to bring me to a truth about myself. I am still a prideful person. Ultimately that will bring me to truth about Him and His ability to care for me and get all the pieces into the right place – without my help or instruction. Proverbs 3:6, “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

The spoons are just a minor reminder that I am not in control. In fact, I am out of control of the details of my life right now. How wonderful for me that God has already given me confidence in His ability to control them for my good and His glory.

Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.