Pain in the Pew

 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  Galatians 6:2

We don’t know merely be seeing them.

I greeted a visitor to the church one morning a few years ago. She returned the greeting but abruptly sat down, obviously finished with the conversation. She stayed for Sunday School, observing, not participating. This wasn’t all that surprising. As a visitor I thought she was checking us out for doctrine, friendliness, and general compatibility.

Several people greeted her, showed her where to find the coffee, and at least one told her she hoped to see her again.

She came back the next week and sporadically over the next few months. I often greeted her but rarely really talked to her. When I finally did, I learned there was great grief in her life. She lived alone, a single woman in her mid-forties. She lived paycheck to paycheck, was in a difficult relationship with a man, and had difficult sibling relationships that kept her life in turmoil with the drama. She felt alone, lonely, and fearful.

I learned all of this after an evening service at Christmas time when I had seen her sitting alone. I went over and asked her how she was and if she had plans for the Holidays. In a moment of weakness she poured out her story.  She had no plans, she had no one to make plans with.  I prayed with her and invited her to share the day with us. She did not think that was going to work for her.

From her perspective her issues were huge and her ability to change her circumstances were non-existent.  I suggested she speak to the Deacons or go to the Pastor for some direction about her finances. She wasn’t really looking for guidance. I was afraid she regretted telling her story after she was done. Her pain was not something she was ready to try to fix.

This woman was hurting but not ready for help. I don’t know all of the reasons behind her lack of spiritual  strength or her emotional state of mind that was not yet willing to seek guidance. What I have learned over the years is that when these women are ready to get help, it is a lot easier if they have someone to turn to who will point them to the Lord’s ways and people for real relief.

Hurt people all have different coping methods so it isn’t always obvious they have problems. Some of them have an external cover that looks outgoing and successful. They keep busy so they don’t have to think and their pain (or guilt and shame) gets buried in good works. Others come and go with their heads down and say very little so no one tries to get close. At the last “amen” they head for the door.  Still others seek help but only for their physical needs. Such needs may be obvious so it is easier to ask for money for diapers or food than it is to admit and face emotional pain.

The Bible tells us we are to bear one anothers’ burdens, that we are to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Do we know other women in the church well enough to know when they are rejoicing or weeping? Do we take the time to sit and listen to another as she tells her story without having to tell ours?

The reason I remember the woman from years ago is because I felt like I let her down. She showed up from time to time but I never really went back to her to offer to come alongside her. We talked but only surface stuff. She turned down an invitation to coffee and then to lunch and I gave up on her.

 

Without bothering her, what would love and persistence look like? Is there a way to serve a wounded woman, letting her know she is loved and cared about without forcing our way into her life?

I am considering these things, thinking and studying how to share the love we have through Christ with a wounded sister in the pew. I am planning to explore this topic in a one day retreat  on November 15^{th .}  “Pain in the Pew, Ministering to our Wounded Sisters”- if you’re interested let me know, I’ll send you the details.