Speak Up

 

“If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31 – 32

 

Full disclosure: I am married to man who will listen to my complaints and not hold it against me. He says that if he has a complaint against me he sits on it for three days. If he still cares he comes to me. I can count on one hand how many times he has actually lodged the complaint with me (in 33 years). I am blessed and I know it.

I also have very little trouble speaking my mind in general. I grew up in a house where you were allowed to have an opinion (this does not mean you got your way but you were allowed to speak against something even if you ended up having to do it.)

For these reasons it is very difficult for me to understand a marriage where the wife is not willing, and sometimes even afraid, to say there is a problem. If issues aren’t brought into the light they fester and grow.

I was repeatedly approached by a woman telling me how awful her marriage was (sadly, this is past tense). She told me of subtle put downs, verbal battering, and perfectionist expectations. In public, especially at church, he treated her like a queen. This only made the hard times harder, knowing he knew how to treat her right.

By Divine appointment I spoke with him in a social setting. He started a conversation about marriage (much to my surprise). He was telling me that he had read about a study where both men and women were asked to rate their marriages on a scale of 1 – 10. He said that men pretty much consistently rated their marriages a 10 but that women consistently rated their marriages a 7. He quickly added that he was sure his own wife would rate their marriage higher.

I was astounded. When I asked the wife about it she said she had never confronted him. He had no idea how unhappy she was in their marriage. She had talked to me and a couple of other friends who all told her they needed to find a good Christian marriage counselor. She didn’t want to rock the boat so she just put up with it– to the point that she was not sure how she was going to stay.

Another woman told me about her marriage where she tolerated a verbally abusive husband for over 25 years. When she finally spoke up it was to tell him she was leaving. Her husband, too, was shocked and willing to work on the marriage. She was way past any desire to fix it – she wanted out.

Submissive wives. Loving wives. Helpful wives. I think this is what they thought they were doing. But submissive, loving, helpful wives need not leave their husbands in sin. I understand that some men are very difficult to approach. Perhaps she will need someone to go with her —  a Pastor or counselor who can help restore the marriage. In the previous examples I gave, the women had  courage enough to talk to their husbands only when they’d been so abused that they were leaving.

Although change may seem impossible, nothing is impossible with God. The longer a spouse is permitted to remain in sin, the more difficult it will be to make that change. The truth will set them free. If no one ever speaks about it – how will they know?

Each situation is different, every marriage faces its own issues, but relationships can grow and change with help. If things are as bad as it was for these women there may be need for a temporary separation with the goal of reconciliation while both partners work to improve matters. A man cannot solve a problem he does not know about. In one of those few times my husband ever complained to me, it was on just this issue.  I had sandbagged him with a complaint from weeks or months prior and he called me on it (without waiting three days).

Matthew 18 gives us instructions about people who have sinned against us. For some reason we don’t apply this to marriages, but if the sin is bad enough that you would consider divorce it might be time to implement these instructions before you are ready to walk out the door: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” (Matthew 18:15-16)

The two marriages I talked about have now ended. If you are in such a marriage, or you are close enough to someone who is, please speak up.