Team Parenting

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12

 

There’s a little baby boom happening in our congregation. There was a little boy born last week and 6 more on their way – two of them in the same womb! With babies come responsibilities.

 

There is nothing greater than seeing a child being raised in the fear and admonition of the Lord. That child is respectful of adults, especially their parents. They are kind and helpful. They are easy to be around and usually (everyone has a bad day occasionally!) bring joy into a room when they enter it.

 

Years ago I worked with teenagers who had been taken from their parents for one reason or another. Often these kids had had very inconsistent childhoods. They were shuttled from parent to parent or there was some sort of addiction so that the children got lost on the list of priorities. No one was parenting them most of the time. What became very obvious to me was how important those first three to five years are for forming the character of a child. Many of these children were not respectful and were rarely, if ever, joyful.

 

One of the goals of any parent – but especially the Christian parent – is to have a child who grows up to respect authority and to be a productive citizen.  The most important authority for a child to respect is God – if they never learn to respect their parents they will not see their need to respect the Lord. The first “lord” in a child’s life is their father and their mother. A child needs to learn to obey his/her parents so he can obey God.

 

One of the truths taught early in the scriptures is that obedience brings blessing. For a child this can be as simple as doing what their parents tell them to do. Ephesians 6:1 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”  A young child can see and begin to understand the blessings of God by being taught to obey his parents. This means the parents have to be diligent about insisting on obedience so their children will be blessed. Please note – this will not happen without parents’ insistence.

 

In much of our culture it is considered abusive to spank a child.  From my social work days I can tell you there is a huge difference between spanking and beating. Beating a child out of anger is wrong. Spanking a child as an act of discipline in response to disobedience and rebellion is good parenting. Proverbs 13:24  “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” I know that Christians differ on this – the thing we have to take from the scripture is that it is our responsibility to disciple our children. If we do not they will be full of folly (Proverbs 22:15), hated by their parents (Proverbs 13:24),and bring shame to their mothers (Proverbs 29:15). A disciplined child will be wise (Proverbs 29:15) and saved from Hell (Proverbs 23:14).

 

There are two things that concern me regarding this issue. The first one is the parents who do not take a unified stance with their children regarding discipline. If kids know they can “divide and conquer” they will play one parent against the other. Moms and Dads need to back each other up.  If you think your spouse is being too hard on them – or failing to discipline as they should, speak to him in private – not in front of the kids. Decide together what the consequences for certain actions will be and stick to them unless you both agree to change them. The most secure children come from marriages where the parents present as one team.

 

My second concern is for the children of the divided parents. If they see that they can manipulate one parent to let them get away with things or to put off having to do what they are told – they will do that. Many don’t like this truth but all children are born with the same sin nature as their parents. What happens to a child who is able to run the show at home? They become self-centered adults. They may be productive but their adult relationships will be about what they can get and who they can manipulate. Teaching them that others are to be more important than themselves will be somewhat lost on them. It wasn’t the way it was at their house – they were always the most important one at home.

 

Parenting is what we do for our children (not “to” them) from babies on up. It pays off when they are older and need to be responsible adults. If we want children who will love the Lord, who will know His blessings as adults, who will walk in His statutes, and will raise our grandbabies to love the Lord, then pay attention to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. God loves them and does not want parents to let them run the home – it’s not good for them.

 

When you are trying to get your child to do something as small as put away their toys or throw away their trash and they refuse, the flesh says, “This is not that big a deal, it can wait until later.” We know later doesn’t come. The Holy Spirit often prompts that parent to go back and insist that it be done now and just as the parent has directed or there will be consequences. Listen to that Still Small Voice! If the child refuses to obey his parents – then the consequences must occur.   

 

If there are small – or large –  children in your household, will you sit down with your husband and talk about presenting a united front, about what the consequences should be for infractions, then pray, pray pray, and implement them in your home? Raising a child does not require a village – but, to do it right, the parents do have to be a team.