The Perfect Marriage
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:13
Twice in one week I have been in conversations about marriage. One was about marriage in general and one was a direct question about whether or not my husband and I ever fight.
The first person was just making an observation that there is no perfect marriage because no two people are perfect. I agree in theory but in practice I know that I live in a great marriage — at least we think it’s close to perfect in a fallen world. I can say that because I have had very little to do with it. I credit God and my husband. He says he credits God and me.
The reason I think this is true is because my husband adopted a policy many years ago. If something I do has irritated him he lets it go for three days. If it still bothers him after that he tells me. Imagine how many of the things we erupt over in the moment look inconsequential to us three days later. He avoided all those arguments early in our marriage.
The other thing this did was that when he did speak up it was without the spontaneous anger because he had had three days to get his thoughts together. He has always approached these issues with respect. When I think about this biblically, he was exercising self-control. I have appreciated that.
The second conversation was the direct question, “Do you and Bing ever fight?” The answer is no, we don’t “fight”. We have had many disagreements. As we look back we see that the unwritten rule for both of us has been “He who cares the most wins.” Because he has shown such respect for me it is easy for me to let something go if I can see that it is important to him – the same appears to be true for him. In 31 years I have not completely won on the air conditioning issue. He hates it way more than I want it. But, I must say that it comes up every year! This year it was so hot that his concession was to put one in on the first floor so I had an escape. A little compromise goes a long way.
I remember one time, early on, when I really made him angry and in that three day span of time while he considered it, he barely spoke to me. That was hard but we got through it. We have since become followers of Jesus Christ. As we look at the Truth of the scriptures and what God has to say about marriage we see that there is a great deal of grace that needs to be extended in marriage. A woman is to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33) and a man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus loved the church so much that He laid down His life for her. This sets a high standard for us to follow.
Disagreements don’t have to turn into fights. Many Christians handle disagreements and confrontations at work or in ministry with respect, patience, and kindness but get home and unload on their spouses or children over insignificant issues. Why can we not manage to do at home – where we are called to do it – what we can manage in other places – where we are also called to it? Why do we leave grace and mercy, even self-control, at the door of our own homes?
The “Dictionary of Doctrinal Words” defines grace as “the gift of God, the unmerited favor or mercy given to sinners, an outpouring of God’s love and mercy.”
When I came home and told my husband about the conversation with the lady who said that there is no perfect marriage, his immediate response – no thought required – was, “That’s just not true. Ours is perfect.” That is grace. Be assured he is not married to a perfect person. Over the years he has seen my selfishness, received criticism he didn’t deserve, and done work he didn’t want to do just so I would be quiet about it! Through it all his attitude has been that our marriage is perfect. He has extended the same grace to me that He has experienced our gracious God extend to him.
In God’s grace, I don’t know every thought that has gone through my husband’s mind in the last 31 years. In my husband’s grace he has not shared them either.
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