The “S” Word: Submission

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Ephesians 5:22-23, 25

I know some solidly Christian women who all still have questions about  submission in marriage. Sometimes I don’t think the question is so much about that as it that they want to know how to make a point to their husbands without starting a fight. They fear sounding angry or proud, like they think they are always right.

The Bible does say that wives are to submit to their husbands – it also says that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Christ died for the church. A man who is willing to die for me is easy to submit to (most of the time).

The question I heard from one woman sounded something like this, “How is a woman who is smart and capable in a certain area supposed to submit to her husband on an issue where he knows less than her?”

In every marriage both husband and wife have strengths and weaknesses. Sadly, some people don’t like it when their spouse is more capable than they are in anything. That couple may need help in deciding how to divide the responsibilities so both get to use their gifts. But, there are also times when we need to speak up on an issue that we are part of but perhaps the responsibility belongs to the other spouse.

Submission does not mean we are doormats or silent. It means we respect each other’s opinions and decisions. It is important to be able to speak up on any issue, to express an opinion. The hard part for many women is then accepting that her husband may decide to do things another  way in spite of what she thinks. Ultimately, he is responsible before God for his decisions.

This problem gets worse when, if it turns out the husband was wrong, the wife feels the need to point out that she was right in the first place. Do we really think he doesn’t know that? Does he dread coming home to hear about how wrong he was? Aren’t these times when we should just be quiet and let it go?

I love Mark 11:25 that quotes Jesus saying, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Many women seem to have a need to hash out every decision over and over, especially when her own advice was not followed (often forgetting she is not always right, either). Do we have to do that to make our point? Wouldn’t it be better to let it go? The mistakes have already been made, the damage is done. Why add to the pain by rubbing it in?

A woman I was talking to admitted that she was in a good marriage and for the most part her husband respected her experience and knowledge on some subjects but the thought of “submitting” was offensive to her. We talked about God giving the leadership role to the man and the role of helpmate to the wife. She bristled.  Then she admitted that someone has to lead.

The most important thing that we can understand as Christians is that God’s ways are higher than ours and that they are always for His glory and our good. In marriage, the husband and father that sacrificially leads his family will have a happy marriage (Proverbs 31:8) and productive children (Proverbs 4:1).

The woman who respects the position of authority of her husband will also live the blessed life of the Proverbs 31 wife. In verse 23 it says that her husband is known in the gates. This indicates a certain level of respect from others that seems partly due to her respect for him. Her praise came about because of her fear of the Lord.

My real concern for us women is that the way we treat our husbands at home affects the way they are regarded in their other spheres of influence, work and church. If God says we are to respect them then we must – because that is what is good for us, our families, and our churches (where many men have been pushed out of leadership roles).

We can make a point without starting a fight, but then we may have to let it go. People learn from their mistakes. If we let it go, maybe he won’t rub it in when we’re wrong!

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12