To Love is to Listen
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established. Proverbs 24:3
We have been hearing for years that women like to talk and men like to act. Women want to discuss their problems with their husbands and the husbands want to fix the problem once they know about it. No doubt about it, men and women are created differently. I do not believe one is superior but we are equals with different roles in marriage.
As I have worked and talked with women over the years one of the repeated sentiments I hear is, “He doesn’t listen.” Men say they did hear but they still don’t know what she wants. I am reminded of the quote, “I know you believe you understand what you think I said. What I am not sure you realize is that what you heard may not be what I meant.”
My own recent example is a simple one. There is a rose bush in our yard. This Spring it had gotten pretty tall and heavy with buds. It got too big for its trellis and it pulled it out of the ground. I played with it but could not get it to stand up. I went to my husband – who is very handy with such things – and told him I needed him to look at it. As I was working in the yard he came out to check it out. Before I knew it he was bringing out the saw and some wood and other tools. He didn’t say anything, just went to work. I had no idea what he was doing.
Within an hour or so I had a new trellis – higher, sturdier, and attached to the wall of the house. The rose bush was tied to it with string. Then he said, “If it had been up to me I would have cut it back.” “Well, why didn’t you say so?” was my response. “Because you wanted to keep it,” Was the reply.
I know that building a new trellis was not his idea of a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon. He knew I wanted those buds to bloom. I had been heard in the strictest sense of the words. I asked for help with the trellis and he gave it to me. What I really wanted to know was what to do with a rose bush that was getting too big. Apparently there were two choices, cut it back or make a stronger, higher, trellis. Truthfully, in my lack of gardening knowledge, it never occurred to me to cut it back.
I can now see that this is going to be one huge rose bush by the end of the summer. I wish we had talked about it – he went to action. Both of us responding like God made us! Next time I will know to ask what he is doing. (You would think I would know after 32 years!)
So, women, we have a responsibility in this. My husband is not an unreasonable man. This was a simple issue – not one we would argue about. Why did I not ask what he was doing? I don’t know if I was thinking he should start that conversation and be willing to tell me what he was doing or if I was just happy he was going to make it so I could keep that rose bush and see those blooms.
How often do we turn mean on our husbands when they have just done what comes naturally to them? I stated the problem – he resolved it. We may need to train ourselves to say exactly what we are thinking so they will not just listen but hear what we are really saying to them. By “hearing” I mean not just the words but the intent. Too often I expect my husband to understand with words that do not convey my intent. After 32 years I want him to just get it – and he often does – but when he does not I know I need to “use my words” like I instruct our two year old grandson to do when I don’t understand him!
I know my husband was doing the loving thing when he built that trellis. I still wish we had talked about it so I could have made an educated decision. He heard the problem and saw a solution. I guess the truth is I wasn’t done talking about it. How was he to know if I didn’t tell him that?
Proverbs 16:16 tells us how important understanding is. It says, “How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.” There is an “up” side to my story – and I suspect to many of our stories: my husband listened and lovingly responded. I thank God for a man who loves his wife as Christ, who listens and responds, loves the church!