To Vent or Not to Vent

 

 A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Proverbs 29:11.

 

Women want to be heard. If the person who needs to hear our complaints won’t listen, we will tell someone else.

I often wonder about the biblical basis of “venting.” If I were to vent about my husband, my mother-in-law, or my boss, what is the benefit to me or to the person listening?

We often think that if we can just get these complaints off our chests that it will relieve the problem. The truth is that venting about an issue to an unrelated third party is only a temporary “fix”, at best.  Our emotions may be relieved for the moment but nothing constructive has happened to change the circumstances.

Generally speaking, a person who vents is not looking for solutions, she is looking for relief. Rather than seeking an effective plan to correct the problem, she is looking for a sympathetic,  “you poor dear!” This is not to say we may never vent.

Scriptural venting can be done to God. Before turning to a person to face a problem between us, we may want to get the leading of the Lord. Pouring out our hearts to Him with a prayer for His clear direction may be what we need to gain understanding of where we are right and where our responses are sinful. Perhaps all that really needs to be confronted are our own attitudes and motives for our anger.

The Holy Spirit is the One most capable of pointing us in the right direction – better than our best friends. Other women can say “you poor dear” but only the Holy Spirit can point us to whether the problem is in our own heart.

If, indeed, the husband, mother-in-law, or boss has sinned against us and we have a legitimate complaint we are holding against them, the Bible says go to them, “just between the two of you”. If they listen we have won them over, if they refuse to listen we are to take another person or two with us. If they still won’t listen, and it is someone this close to us, we may have to get more help from a pastor or counselor.

These Matthew 18 verses clearly say we may talk to others about their sin  and we may tell another one or two if they refuse to listen – all of this is for the purpose of being reconciled to the offender.  I have yet to find anywhere the Bible gives permission to “vent” to someone else just to relieve our emotions. God is a great listener and can handle them better than our friends. His desire for us is to have restored relationships.

As an alternative the Proverbs do give us the option of seeking godly advice. If we want to resolve a problem biblically, if we truly don’t know if the sin is ours or theirs, or if we want to ensure our responses are scriptural, by all means – talk to a godly friend, seek help about how to approach the person for reconciliation.  Seek resolution, look for the godly response, not weighing down another with ungodly complaints but sincerely looking for a resolution to the problem.

As the Proverb says, there is wisdom in not giving full vent to our spirits.

Much of Christian life involves examining our motives for what we do. What are the motives behind our “venting”? Who is it that you and I complain about without a real desire to restore the relationship? Will you pray about the words to use to confront the one your complaint is against? Is there a sin in our responses that we need to confess and turn from before approaching the other person for reconciliation?