Unconsidered Questions
There are questions in life for which I do not have answers.
A recent story in the local newspaper caught my attention. A man was sentenced for brutally and sadistically killing his girlfriend. What this man did to her, as described in the article, started from his jealousy of another man. The picture of the victim was of a beautiful young woman. The description of the life they lived together took away any image of wholesomeness.
It still seemed strange that this beautiful young woman needed to stay with such a man. Why?
Consider a different scenario. I was able to see some posts from women who were talking about why they “needed” to have an abortion. Sadly and horrifyingly, some (more than seems possible) did not want to have their children with the father because he is abusive and they did not want to bring a child into that setting.
Wait. You would kill your baby so you can stay with an abusive man? Why?
Here’s another scenario. In a conversation about a Christian woman dating an unbelieving man, I was given to understand that this young man had “potential” to be a Christian. The implication seemed to be that the Christian woman was going to change his heart. Why? Why would anyone presume that they can save a person? Because God wants “none to perish” (2 Peter 3:9)? Every person ever born “has the potential” to be a Christian. The decision about whom to save is all up to the LORD.
Why do women think that if they love a man enough or feed him the right food or put up with his anger that he will be changed because of their love for him?
One thing that the Lord is clear about in His Word is that angry people can cause strife and can be a snare in our own lives. Why are Christian women not taught this? God doesn’t say that we are to take them in and love them, He says “make no friendship” with them.
Proverbs 22:24-25, Make no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man do not go, Lest you learn his ways And set a snare for your soul.
Proverbs 29:22, An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression.
I do not have an answer to the “why” questions regarding the women in these circumstances. However, I do think that we need to consider these things and talk about them with other women and especially our daughters and grandchildren, to teach them what God says about the angry man. The world is full of snares for our souls, why marry one?
When Paul was leaving Ephesus and saying good-bye to the elders there, he pointed out that he had not shrunk from declaring the “whole counsel of God” to them. Do we have this commitment and desire to do this for our children? Are we teaching the whole counsel of God or skipping parts that seem irrelevant in our day.
When we read the daily newspaper and pay attention to what is said on social media, we can see that there is a whole world out there that needs to know what God says about angry men as much as they need to know about the Cross of Christ.
The questions need answers so others can learn how to live in peace and the security of their faith in the Lord. His Word may not fully explain (to our satisfaction) the “why” we have these problems. However, He does give us plenty of instruction on “how” to avoid them.
Who is going to teach about the angry man to our daughters, granddaughters, and the young women in our circle of influence if we don’t? (Titus 2:3-5)
As a psychologist I have worked with many women in or recovering from abusive and controlling relationships. Usually the men do not start out showing their negative behavior. It gradually escalates over time, while at the same time the man is doing negative and controlling behaviors such as not giving appropriate complements, telling her she is wrong and stupid, complaining about her physical appearance, isolating her from friends and family. As a result, these women doubt their own impressions and perceptions, think very poorly of themselves, believe the lies they’ve been told that no other man would be interested in her, and often have no access to resources such as money or transportation. And if they try to leave the relationship, they are highly at risk for serious injury or death. Unfortunately I have often heard church leaders telling these women they are sinning for talking about the negative behaviors of their husbands, or sinning if they want to leave the marriage, as well as minimizing the abuse. Many church members do not want to believe that such abuse actually happens, especially to Christians. Understanding the cycle of abusive and controlling relationships, being aware of how common the behavior is across all social classes, providing resources and safe shelter for women to want to leave the relationship (this includes safe shelter for children and pets), helping the women get access to legal protection and counsel would all be excellent things for church members to do to help reduce the number of women stuck in these relationships. And yes, some men are the victims of abusing and controlling spouses, although in much smaller numbers. They are even less likely to be believed and supported.
Why would any Christian woman unequally yoke herself with an unregenerate, unbelieving man believing he will be saved because of her love and prayers when she disobeyed God by voluntarily yoking herself with an unbeliever by marrying him in the first place?
Don’t you think that any time a believer voluntarily joins any secular association in which unbelievers are also fellow members they would be “yoking” themselves with unbelievers?
And, I believe this would include yoking oneself together with unbelieving members in any membership association including a political community or body politic.
Thanks Lynne, I wish that I could say it is hard for me to imagine churches that respond in this way but I, too, have seen it. I think it is something that we have to intentionally teach the younger women. Thanks for the experienced comment!